Nerdistan

Whoever writes all those fancy cookbooks has never been a
parent. To begin with, the pages are never spill-proof, almost
guaranteeing that somewhere in the middle of mixing ingredients,
a spill will cover the remaining two ingredients listed. This
means that parents must learn to improvise.

Some would suggest that the very thrill of cooking is
experimentation. So what’s the big difference between oregano
and cayenne pepper, anyway?

Then there are all those “quick” recipes to “serve your family”
gracing the pages of women’s magazines. NO recipe is quick with
Little Helper’s assistance.

For the benefit of parents everywhere, I have taken my favorite
cheesecake recipe and translated it into parentease. The
non-parent version is available in Cooking By The Book — a free
bonus I offer with every purchase of The Get Happy Workbook at
http:/ hehappyguy.com/happiness-workbook.html .

Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake (Parent Version)

Mix one cup of ginger snap cookie crumbs and one tablespoon of
olive oil. Add more cookie crumbs to make up for the ones that
disappeared about the same time your Little Helper walked into
the kitchen.

Press the crumby oil mixture … “Sorry, Little Helper
distracted me.” Press the oily crumb mixture into the bottom of
a 9-inch spring-form pan, and up around the edges about one
inch. Put it in the refrigerator to cool - best to slip it in
safely behind the broccoli and that thing that’s been turning
blue for three weeks in case Little Helper gets inspired

Soften three bricks of cream cheese, ideally in the microwave.
If you can’t separate the cheese from Little Helper’s hands, let
her keep doing what she’s doing until the cheese is good and
soft. Cream the cheese with one and a half cups of pureed
pumpkin, three large eggs, two tablespoons of cream, and one cup
of brown sugar. Keep mixing until creamy.

Add one teaspoon of vanilla extract. If you are fortunate enough
to have help at this stage, you have three options:

1.Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Vanilla Cheesecake”. 2.Try
scooping out the extra cup of vanilla Little Helper poured in
for you. 3.Start over.

You will also need to add a tablespoon of cinnamon. If Little
Helper is in a generous mood, don’t worry. You still have three
options:

1.Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Cinnamon Cheesecake”. 2.Try
scooping out the extra pile of cinnamon Little Helper poured in
for you. 3.Bang your head against the counter and start over.

There is also a tablespoon of ground ginger to add. Sorry about
that. Don’t worry, you still have three options…again:

1.Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Ginger Cheesecake”. 2.Scoop
out as best you can the extra heap of ginger Little Helper added
for you. 3.Bang your head twice on the counter and start over.

I almost hate to mention this, but you’ll need to add a teaspoon
of ground nutmeg. And a half teaspoon of salt. And a half
teaspoon of allspice. Go ahead and bang your head some more if
it makes you feel better.

Fortunately, there is a parental failsafe. It is sort of like a
“get out of jail free card”. Look in the bowl. Observe the
quantity of creamy things. Observe the quantity of spicy things.

If the quantity of creamy things is even slightly greater than
the quantity of spicy things, keep going and pretend you didn’t
have any help. Maybe nobody will notice. If the quantity of
spicy things is greater than the quantity of creamy things, open
another can of pureed pumpkin. Keep adding cans of pureed
pumpkin until creamy things are greater than spicy things — or
until your grocer runs out of cans.

Pour the filling into the crust. Note, if you had to add too
many cans of pureed pumpkin, this could get messy. I recommend
hip-waders…especially for Little Helper.

Cook at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 50 minutes or until the
top is slightly brown and almost as cracked as your head and the
counter. Do NOT let Little Helper eat the cake while it is still
in the oven.

Let it air cool in a safe place — like at a neighbor’s house –
then refrigerate overnight

Just before serving, top with whipped cream and sprinkle with
pecans. Oops. I just wrote that last line in non-parentease. It
should read: “Now that the whipped cream is polished off, shake
the remaining sprinkles on the cake. Unless Little Helper ate
them, too.

Now you can sit down and enjoy your Harvest Pumpkin Pie
Cheesecake (Parent Version). Oh yes, don’t forget to laminate
this page to avoid more impromptu experimentation in the future.